1. "It seemed like a good idea at the time"
2. "A Rollercoaster Ride of a Time, if by Rollercoaster you mean suck"
3. "The 11 am Cold Clocking of my Life"
4. "I blame Kyle, this is all his fault."
5. "The Powers of NetDoc Reveal Thus!"
6. "Today I am not Truely Human"
7. "Redbull: not your friend"
8. "When the mixer makes you feel worse than the booze, there are problems"
What could this entry be about you wonder?
Naturally I could write about what happened last night, but frankly, that's just the usual guys hanging out stuff. THIS MORNING is when things got reaaaallllllyyy interesting. So let's talk about that. But first we need a short history of last night or it won't make any sense.
Between me and Kyle we drank a 750 of Jaegermeister and around 8.5-9 cans of Redbull. This means that we drank around 10-11 ounces each of Jaeg and at least TWO TIMES the recommended limit of Redbull. I now know why that limit exists.
Anyway this morning, I wake up at 9 am (editor's note: After going to sleep at 5 am, Andrew will vouch for this fact) and don't have any symptomes yet... Yet being the important word there. The reason I wake up? I smell the most terrible scent of all time. Vomit and shit combing their forces for a full on oldfactory sense assault. Before you go all "Lol, the big McDawg messed himself while puking. God I hate that guy."
NEITHER HAD OCCURED. The shit was coming into my room from the window because the next door neighbour's gardener was fertilizing their lawn, and my fan positioned directly under the window was blowing it right at me.
The vomit scent on the other hand was harder to explain. After a worried, "Shit did I throw up, clean it up, and somehow NOT remember?"-moment, I realise that A) I am sweating a bit, B) The only things that smell are my hands and pillow case. It is like that joke where the guy goes to the doctor and he says as he touches his leg, stomache and then temple that they all hurt. The doctor then tells him he has a broken finger. A bleary-eyed Detective Dipshit that I am suddenly has a case of total recall of the previous evening. All becomes clear: Redbull = taurine = bile = vomit. Spilled redbull left on my hands has dried and now spells like vomit, plus I guess it is slightly possible I fell asleep on my face and my taurine caked lips (and maybe even some drool [editor's note: Ew.]) has taurinized my pillow case.
That problem solved I realise that I am A) hungry, B) need to get out of bed and into the bathroom to handle the call of nature, have a shower, etc, and C) get some new bed sheets.
I handle B first, which is probably a good thing. I marvel at my balance and energy in the morning on only 4 hours of sleep and a night of heavy drinking. After I finish pulling on some crappy clothes, I realise that I have just picked up some interesting symptomes, my finger tips on my left hand have gone numb, my middle and index fingers only. I change my sheets.
Odd, I rub them and wonder what's wrong. Sitting down at my computer I begin to search the internet as I get a wave of dizziness. Good timing on that sitting thing. It passes quickly though but I feel all that energy I had drain away like water through a sieve.
It is up to Detective Dipshit again. But as quickly as he's on the case, the case solves itself. Since I don't have a headache and/or want to die it can be only one thing. Caffine crash. Which makes total sense given the circumstances. The last bit of the huge caffine abundance in my system has just been metabolized and washed out from my stop at the porcelain throne. Well, this isn't so bad. But it get's better folks
I decide it is REALLY time to get something to eat. I clumsily prepare myself a can of chili and a fresh crusty bun for dipping. Here's where things begin to all go to hell. Just as I begin to eat my chili at my desk, all that Jaegermeister shows up to deliever a parting, and cutting, remark and at the last second decides to change from a mild scolding to express its disappointment in me to COLD CLOCKING ME RIGHT ON THE CHIN.
The headache hits me, then... shakes, dizziness, the overwhelming urge to never drink again, the urge to go and get all this chili I just ate up and out of my system NOW. All hit me in around a minute. I mildly worry that I could be dying as my mental faculties slip out of grasp and I literally curl up in the fetal position for 10 minutes and just shiver.
Then it is gone. All of it.
I get back up and eat my chili, go downstairs and drink around 3 liters of water and take 2 tylonel extra strength. Then I write this blog post with my stupid numb finger tips which I am sure has littered this post with spelling mistakes.
